the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
