Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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