saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
