i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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