We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
