Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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