Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
