You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
