Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
