You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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