our cab driver is having phone sex.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
