i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
