I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
