i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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