Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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