i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
