Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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