The maid of honor just puked.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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