he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Randomize
