I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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