Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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