I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
