happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
