***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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