she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
