Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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