He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
