i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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