He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
