Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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