i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
