My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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