Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
