"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i now understand why vodka
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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