the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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