I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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