Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
