I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
This is my gift to your gina
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
