I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
