I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
