He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
