my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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