So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
