I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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