I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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