there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
