I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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