...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
