I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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