so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
