I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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